Rob: What up G-Sus?!
Jesus: Hi Rob.
Rob: Did you see what I just did? It was a play off of what up G?
Jesus: I know. It was mildly amusing but I kind of have a thing with honoring my name.
Rob: Oh snap. Did Jesus just Jesus Juke me?
Jesus: I did.
Rob: Jon Acuff (inventor of the Jesus Juke) would be so proud.
Jesus: Who do you think gave Jon that idea? If you spent more time thinking about me and less time thinking about Jon Acuff you would have known that.
Rob: Oh snap snap. I just double snapped you because you just threw down another Jesus Juke. You impress me with your self juking.
Jesus: I thought you’d appreciate that.
Rob: Well, let’s jump in. I have some questions that I really need you to answer.
Jesus: No.
Rob: Uh. What? Are you not going to answer my questions?
Jesus: I just did. The answer to your first question is no.
Rob: Get out of my head Jesus. And come on. People really want to know if you wear boxers or briefs.
Jesus: No. They don’t really care. Plus I could tell you but it would blow your mind. Next question.
Rob: If your favorite football team is down by one touchdown with 2 minutes to play do you…A. Pray to yourself and cause them to win in overtime. B. Not watch the game because football is played on Sundays and is therefore the Devil’s game. C. Let them lose because you once said “the first shall be last and the last shall be first.”
Jesus: I stopped watching football once Kurt Warner retired.
Rob: Kurt Warner (Super Bowl champion, Dancing with the Stars Contestant, and Christ Follower) was legit.
Jesus: I’m kidding. I’d rather not answer that question. I think it would mess Calvinists (believe there is no free will) and Armenians (believe in a free will) up. People think they have me figured out and it often causes them to miss who I really am. The same thing happened when I was living on the earth. People had presuppositions as to who I was supposed to be. They couldn’t get over them so they killed me.
Rob: Strong answer. Next question. You were a carpenter. So I’m assuming that on more than one occasion you stubbed your thumb with the hammer. When you did, did you say your own name in vain?
Jesus: No. I would say “Kelly Clarkson.” It’s funny to yell and she doesn’t mind if you take her name in vain.
Rob: Interesting. Steve Carrell thought he was original when he came up with that line in that really inappropriate movie that I have only watched parts of on TV and that no Christian should ever admit to seeing.
Jesus: I think that it’s funny how you feel like you have to justify things. Not to me but to other people who might read this interview. If you understood how much I loved you then you would care less about what other people think about you.
Rob: Wow. You did a most excellent job with that question as well. I don’t know what to say so I’m going to just awkwardly jump into the next question. A girl walks up to you and asks “does this make me look fat?” What do you do?
Jesus: I ask her if she thinks it makes her look fat. I have a tendency to ask questions when people ask me questions. I like having people wrestle with things and figure it out for themselves.
Rob: Men all over the world just praised you for that answer. Well played, Jesus. Well played. Okay last question. This has been really helpful for me. I’ve often wished that you would speak more. I think that I’d have an easier time living for you if you talked more often.
Jesus: Rob, I know that you are pretty familiar with the Bible. Did you ever notice how many mistakes people made after we spoke to them?
Rob: By we you mean the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit?
Jesus: Yes.
Rob: Um…people did kind of keep messing up after you spoke.
Jesus: Think about it. We did amazing miracles for Israel when they were slaves in Egypt. They saw miracles and yet it didn’t stop them from worshiping other gods. I spoke multiple times to people and it made a difference for some time but they still chose to live selfishly. I know that you want to hear me speak more but the truth is it wouldn’t change your faith in me. It would for a few days but then you would go back to doubting, and struggling.
Rob: Touche. I just went French all up on you.
Jesus: You are funny. But don’t miss my point. Your faith is worth greater worth than gold when you believe even though you have never seen me. When you make it through a difficult situation and you still hold on, that makes your faith strong.
Rob: I love you.
Jesus: I love you too. I do just want to throw out that this interview is getting kind of long. Your readers zone out after about 400 words. We are on 864. So on that note…Shalom. I’m out of here. Oh and I just went Aramaic on you.
If you could interview Jesus what would you ask Him?
One of your funniest yet and you have had some good ones. Blessings.
Thanks Daniel. You’d know. You’ve been around the blog longer than anyone but family.
Double snap… Kurt Warner… LOL, Rob – hilarious.
Thanks Dustin!
Kurt Warner…Hahhaha…. and here I thought he must have special pleasure for tom brady!
Rob, thanks! And thanks for the shout out on Ben Reed’s blog. That made my day.
I would ask him if He was the originator of the mullet. Also, why I had such a hard time getting good reception in my mother’s womb. I kept pulling the cable but nothing. :/
Moe, great questions. But I think the Devil came up with the Mullet. It’s a deceptive haircut. Business up front but a party in the back.
I don’t think I’d do a good job of interviewing the Lord. I think I’d be groveling at His feet, lol
Ed, I think He’d pick you up and within minutes you’d be talking to Him like He was your best friend.
Great Post Rob!!! lol…
I would ask Jesus if MC Hammer is “Really” saved…lol…
I think He’d say he was legit. Dare I say 2 Legit to quit.
Great post man! Original. And didn’t notice how long it was until mentioned…Kudos.
Thanks Sean! That’s a great sign. I’m normally not great at writing longer posts that keep people’s interest.
What up G-us…my favorite line
Thanks Larry. I’ve always wanted to say that Jesus.
Jesus stopped watching football after Warner retired? Somebody tell Tim Tebow…
My kids would want to know if blue was Mary’s favorite color, because it seems that’s all she ever wears in the books. In fact, I think I might have told them that was how to identify her.
Russ, Tim doesn’t play enough yet. When’s he’s playing and in the playoffs my guess is that Jesus will be watching.
I have a question, I have always wanted to ask. No one can seem to answer it, so here goes….
In the account of creation, we are told that man was made first, then woman, thus that’s by my count 2 people on the planet. Then they had two son’s, that’s 4. Now Cain kills able in GEN 4;8. Thus bringing the poplulation down to three.
Then, after the God bust Cain out for killing his brother, immediatly after in GEN 4;16-17, God sends Cain out from His Presences. Then said Cain “knew” his wife. WHO DID HE KNOW!!. There were only three people on the planet. This question has caused brain racking turmoil for me over the years. That would be one of my top five question’s I would have to ask Jesus.!!
Joseph, I’ll need to do a little research but I think that they had sisters as well. I think that joker married his sis.
I love that you threw in the “I love you.” The rest of it was funny and genuine, but I wept openly to think that one day I’ll get to say that face to face. In fact, I bet that’ll be about the only thing on my mind.
Caleb, thanks for stopping by. I can’t wait to say that to Him face to face as well.
Wow…what an encouraging, and absolutely hilarious, post. I needed that today, Rob!
Thanks Ben! I’m honored that you came by to check out the blog.
Love that Jesus gave you the Jesus Juke. Ingenious.
TMZ, thanks!
Dude, this was way legit. You hit all the notes, and knocked it outta the park. This is what journeyman bloggers like me aspire to.
Truly greatness, Rob!
Randomlychad, your words were really kind. Wow! Thanks!
Hey, robshep! You know you can call me “Chad”–you can leave off the “randomly,” robshep. Dig?
See what I did there, robshep?
😉
(I can do that–I’m totally pwning robshep in Words With Friends).
Chad, will do. I HAVE NO VOWELS!
My question: Who were you pulling for in the Blogging All-Stars competition? (Like I don’t already know)
I voted Team Ricky.
Oh, you were asking robshep. My bad.
Matt, that would be a good questions to ask Jesus. Steven Furtick seems to really have God’s favor so I’m going to say Team Rob for the win. I kid, I kid. I think he would say it’s a draw.
I think He would say Team Ricky got whupped like an unruly two-year-old in the cereal isle.
Liked this! I stuck with it all the way to the end. =)
I didn’t know Jesus liked football. I want to hear His thoughts on the NBA lockout. I’d just straight up ask Him to fix it, please.
the best thing i’ve read all week. granted, i didn’t get to read it til monday but still very sexy/dangerous. what? I liked it, that’s what I’m saying.
Thanks Tyler! Also thank you for the shout out on the blog!
I’ve been wanting to read this for days since I saw the title. Finally got a chance to catch up tonight and here’s what I think: This is my absolute favorite post of yours I’ve ever read. Straight up like Paula Abdul dawg. Loved this and I don’t say that often.
Thanks Clay!
Great post as usual, Rob.
I love how you honestly and thoughtfully explore things while remembering to have fun.
You inspire me, Internet Twin.
Ricky, thanks man! I love that we have connected online. You are a great encouragement.