If I ruled the world this is how it would be. You might not like it, but that’s because you aren’t me…
I’m glad that I don’t rule the world. I like knowing that someone greater than me is in charge. With that being said there are still times where I think about how I would run things if I did rule the world. For example the local mall.
- The mall would become a place that people love going to and not a reflection of Hades.
- For starters I’d zone everything. There would be a section just for teenagers to roam around in. They would have their teenage stores like Hot Topic and Zumiez where they could just do their teenage things. There would be another section of the mall where they were not allowed. This would be where adults without kids go. This section would include stores that adults like to shop at like GAP, Thomas Kinkade gallery, and Brookstone. There would be a zone for parents with kids and it would include stores like Baby Gap, KB Toys (does that still exist), Picture People, and Gymboree. Now there would be multiple entrances to these stores so if an adult wanted to wander into a teen zone they could but teens would not be aloud to wander into an adult zone. Kapeesh?
- The food court would have to give out free samples at all times.
- There would be no hallway kiosk sales people. In fact people would get paid to hit hallway sales people with wet noodles in the middle of my mall.
- Victoria would keep her Secret. Believe it or not there are some guys who want to guard their eyes and not lust. Victoria Secret doesn’t help. On the front of Victoria Secret it would have women in long dresses and the slogan would be “it’s what’s on the inside that counts.” This slogan has multiple meanings including come on inside to see what we are selling (oh and only females could go in there), and beauty is more than skin deep. Oh and while I’m at it all Victory Secret items that say Pink on them would only come in the color pink. I don’t get it when I see Purple shirts that say PINK on them.
- There would be Mall Monitors (adults that act as Hall Monitors but at a mall) that would give people who stand and talk in the middle of the walk way wedgies. These people drive me crazy. MOVE!
- There would be a slow walking side of the mall and a fast walking side. If you want to go slow stick to your side and let us fast walkers fly right by you.
- Mall Walkers would have to say one positive thing to every person that they lapped.
- Employees would have to care and they’d have to be friendly or they would get deported to mother Russia. No offense to mother Russia, but it isn’t depicted as the most friendly of people in the entire world in all the movies that star Rambo.
If you ruled the world what would you change about the mall?
I would make it mandatory that stores that play music realize they shouldn’t play the music as loud as possible. Some people enjoy talking to each other while they shop. Also, the vendors I agree would have to go.
I would get rid of spencers too. Also, any store that sold the “I love boobies” brand label. I think it is horrible this company focuses on kids, and calls it “Breast Cancer Awareness”.
Joseph, nice points. I once baptized a guy wearing a I Love Boobies bracelet. It was hard not to giggle.
YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! FIRST COMMENT POSTER! FINALLY I HAVE ARRIVED!
Good for you, I also know the sheer joy of such an achievement ^_^
Id like a segway from the moment I walked in until the moment i left so I didn’t have to walk anywhere. Free samples, I like that idea from the food court. If someone bothered me I could have them thrown out with a snap, or nod like that Genie lady. That is it. Deuces mall rat.
Ryan, that’s a good idea…except the only time I’ve driven a Segway it didn’t go that well for me.
I don’t go to the mall, except, of course, when I do so I don’t know his to answer this. However, you need to read the post from Jezebel and retweeted out there this week. Pinning any of the blame for our thoughts on women is not allowed now. They can dress how they want and it isn’t their fault what we’re thinking.
Larry, I’ll have to check that out. I didn’t know that Jezebel was still alive and Tweeting.
There would be no malls.
JT, so that’s what your world would look like? What would replace it?
How about a dress code? Id like not to see anyone’s undergarments. if your pants don’t cover your bottom wear a belt to hold them on your waist or get smaller sizes.
Bernadette, well if malls were zoned then I hope this wouldn’t be an issue. No need for adults to be showing off their drawz.
The Mall is truly a reflection of how old you are…at one point I felt the mall was built for me. It was my generation…now I hate the place…the other generation has taken over.
ha ha ha ha
Brian
Brian, well said. Now you know it’s going to come full circle? You will one day get to the age where you love going to the mall to walk laps for hours.
Everything would be at least 50% off to reflect actual pricing and not the legalized robbery. No clothes with just the store name on the front. Its clothes not a walking billboard. Or is it? Push button, on demand food stations. Sometimes I don’t want to walk to the food court to have a snack.
Ken, nice! I like how you think. That push button food thing would rule!
The temperature needs to be regulated so that it isn’t 1000 degrees in some stores and 30 in others. I can’t concentrate when I am sweating, then freezing, then sweating again. And there should be some sort of code of conduct for teens who must accompany parent shopping (i.e. when the parent is actually paying and the teen needs them). Eye rolling and attitude would be an automatic 30% reduction in the amount of money spent. Oh wait I can already do that.
I know right! It’s like a Katey Perry song…your hot then your cold, your yes there your no…your in then your out…etc.
I would make the mall a place we would not be afraid to go to alone after dark. Sometimes during the day can even be a little “iffy”.
By the way, HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYBODY!! I hope your day and weekend is blessed!!!!!
Gayle, I hear ya. Monica heard gunshots one time and saw a women get beat another time. It can be a scary place.
Thanks for the happy Friday shout. That was very kind of you.
I am a pre-mall person and can get along quite well, passing by it without stopping. There is a principle here: I can change my own behavior easier than others.
Mim, you might be on to something.
Where teens were not aloud … That actually works on a couple of levels my poetic friend. (see the definition of homophone).
Amen to that! I like teenagers…but not in the context of the mall.
Daniel, yeah you read the blog before Mon proofed it. It’s corrected now.
Bro. Zoning Malls? Brilliant! Can we zone Walmart next? I’d love to have a separate area for people who are there just to hang out, as well as people who bring their obnoxious kids.
Kevin, well Wal-Mart might be an upcoming post for this series. It definitely should include a curfew for kids.
They would let a “Citizen” be Mall Cop for a Day!!!!!!!!!! wooo hoooo! “Freeze you Mother! Spank that kid running around screaming and bumbing into people!”
Arny, I don’t think I’d like that job. You’d get worn slap out doing that at the mall. Now this changes if they give us tasers.
Ha- very nice. You have pretty much hit all of my mall gripes, and I would definitely be able to support a mall if you ruled the world.
Maybe we could also include those moving walkways like they have at the airport so you can get everywhere quicker. There’s nothing worse than walking out of JC Penny to realize your next stop is 12 miles away on the other side of the mall.
Stephen, genius! Pure genius!
I would change the food court and get rid of all of those places except CHIPOTLE and CHICK-FIL-A!
What about Mall Pizza? I kind of like the Mall Pizza, Lauren.
You’ve got some great changes. Can I just vote for you?
TJ, I’ll take your vote.
The prices!! They are deplorable! I avoid the mall (except for an occasional foray to Chick-fil-a). I see no sense in paying the prices they want when Super Wally World or Kohls has them beat.
Bill, good point. I have found some good sales at The Gap. You just have to look a little harder.
Agree about free samples all day. I am that guy who walks by every food place just to try to get samples even though I know where I will be eating every time.
Joe, do you ever feel guilty for that? I do sometimes but it doesn’t stop me. I once gut up from my table where I was eating Chick-fil-A to go get a free sample. The lady wasn’t happy with me.
I would also like to submit putting the pretzel shops in a smart place so when the line backs up 20 people, its not blocking the entrance to the Game Stop. Also, double lane service at the pretzel shop. Also, a Candyopolis in every zone. And get rid of the Buckle all together.
Caleb, mmmmm…pretzels. Love those things. I’d like the Buckle if the clothes were shrink wrapped tight and the prices weren’t so expensive.
The first and only change I would make is that malls would not exist. You’d have to go to an actual town with an actual commercial district with actual stores along actual streets and actual sidewalks.
In the absence of that, I can’t really suggest any good changes because I haven’t been to an indoor mall in at least a couple years. I mean, I’ve been to a strip mall or two, but those don’t count because they’re just ugly lazy commercial development without the effort and land requirements of a real mall. Really, they’re the worst of both worlds.
So hey, if I ruled the world, I guess strip malls wouldn’t exist, either.
Burrill, so what would exist in your world?
Downtowns. You know, city blocks with shops in them. The original strip mall, but without all the ugly.
Here, this is the general idea:
http://burrillstrong.com/pictures/chelseadowntown.jpg
What about once a day it goes all cosmic… like cosmic bowling, but cosmic mallin’?
Dustin, I like how you think. Does that include the food?
As I said in a previous post, I see the mall as “the most wretched hive of scum and villainy.” If I could change anything is would be that every store would have an exterior entrance so that if, by some strange act of masochism, I were to go to the mall I could enter my store of choice without entering the mall proper, thus avoiding the majority of said wretched hive.
Randal, I still think that line is classic in regards to the mall.
Dad, that’s the beauty of Chipotle: you don’t have to actually “enter” the mall, it has an exterior door just for people like you who hate entering Mos Eisley…er…the mall.
Oh the things I would do if I ruled the world…(note to self, ideas for a blog series), for now I’ll stick to the mall as requested.
For every mall, it would be expanded to at least twice the size. One section of mall would be for teens and people wanting to hang out/roam, and one for those simply wanting easy access to multiple forms of shopping. The teen section would have a bunch of places for hanging out: Ice skating rink, roller-skating rink, movie theater, random stores. Basically it’s what a teenager imagines the mall would be like in heaven. The adult side would have all of those commodities that are needed: easy mall access, practical stores, and the entry into stores such as Victoria’s Secret would be prohibited to guys unless they were there on order from their women. I like the idea of segways to maneuver the mall, either that or mopeds. For those who don’t like maneuvering the mall, there would simply by a tunnel system that would suck you up and shoot you out at your store of choice. Now for the really great part: all of the mall cops would be that police dude from the WEC videos. He would have strict and hilarious control over mall-goers, “YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF MALL CODE 15536929; LOITERING IN THE ADULT SIDE OF THE MALL! I tell you what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna spank you with a Cricket Bat *smack* and I’m gonna piggy back on you until you return to the Teen side of the Mall!”
My mall would have four stores:
Apple Store
Bookstore
Five Guys (for when I don’t feel like a burrito), and
Chipotle (for when I don’t feel like a burger)
I am not much of a mall frequenter, however, if your mall existed I’d probably go more often. I’d like to see a really cool store like Hallmark’s only filled with all things Newborn. But that’s just me. ; )
My mall would include a dress code that included no Kobe jerseys…
Just recently someobody actually robbed a jewelry store INSIDE of the mall here…and got away scott free!
The malls need to realize that kids have more money than their parents do nowadays, so adjust the prices accordingly.
And while we’ve at it…why not sell something that an adult might actually buy? Hello?????????
Rob, you need to talk to a venture capitalist pronto and start taking over all the malls. If these rules were in place men might actually stop fearing shopping trips with their wives.